Did you know that when you’re pregnant you generally have to wait until around week 8 to see your doctor for the first time? For those who don’t speak in pregnancy weeks (I didn’t before!), if you find out you’re pregnant when you miss your period that would usually be about week 4. Oh my goodness. Longest four weeks of my life. The idea that I was actually pregnant was completely surreal. I’d ask Pete almost every day if I looked pregnant yet. The answer was always no. Ha! This probably sounds odd but it just would have been nice to have some reassurance that I wasn’t making the whole thing up.
For the most part, we spent this time super excited and greatly anticipating that first ultrasound. We weren’t really telling anyone yet so it was fun to have such a big secret between the two of us. I have also been extremely fortunate to feel (more or less) great throughout my pregnancy. No morning sickness, which I remember to be grateful for every day. I was always worried that if I had morning sickness in the morning (it can actually come at any time during the day) there was no way I’d be getting out of bed. Mornings are hard enough!
Unfortunately, I did have a mild breakdown the weekend before our appointment. I had an awful nightmare that we lost the baby and I couldn’t shake the terrible feeling I woke up with. I was panicked that we were going to go to our appointment and hear that news instead of our baby’s heartbeat. After day 2 of that, I decided a little pep talk was in order. I had no facts or symptoms to indicate anything was wrong (and as you know by now, nothing was!) and worrying was not going to help or change anything that might be happening. I decided from that point forward to trust that I’m taking care of myself as best as I can and that my body will do what it needs to.
This isn’t to say I’ve been completely worry-free since then. It’s part of my nature to think ahead and anticipate things to worry about! But I have done a better job of keeping my concerns productive. If I’m worried about something, then I can read about it/take a class/talk to my doctor/make a list of what needs to be done/etc. But worrying without cause or purpose or reason had to go.
This obviously isn’t the first time I’ve tried to stop worrying about something in my life so I’m not sure why the tactic worked this time when it hasn’t so many other times before. I suppose with what we’ve been through that I firmly believe everything is as it should be. I certainly don’t think we have all the answers about pregnancy, a newborn, or raising a child (in fact, we have closer to no answers – yikes!) but I have a deep sense of calm that we’re going to be able to figure it all out. I feel calm and happy and joyful in a way that I honestly probably haven’t felt ever before and I don’t want any made up issues getting in the way of that.